Sometimes, We Falter
So reading my earlier posts, it’s probably no surprise that I have struggled with binge eating disorder for most of my life. When I make the time for regular exercise and control the chaos that is my brain, I don’t struggle that hard (with the bingeing). Sometimes, though, when I’m getting myself together, it rears its head and this past week was one of those times.
Binge eating disorder is incredibly frustrating, as it often creates intense feelings of guilt and loss of control. I know for a fact that I go through cycles where I feel powerless, and the thought of eating brings me comfort. 5,000 calories later, I’m bloated, sick to my stomach, and I’ve set myself back significantly. This happened last year, when I went from 250 after several months of keto and healthy eating in general back up to 320 pounds. That was the most I’d weighed ever, after having lost 200 pounds about 8 years ago.
Though I exercised and reined myself in a bit as of Saturday and Sunday, the damage was done – I have likely set myself back a week. In the grand scheme, I don’t think it’s terrible but it’s incredibly disheartening.
Progress, Not Perfection
One personality trait that a lot of binge eater exhibit, myself included, is an all-or-nothing one. I am FAR from a perfectionist in execution, but in ideals, ooooh yes. I WANT perfect, pristine results that show off dedication and hard work, but until the last year or so (I’m 33, btw), I’d never realized that my idealistic views don’t often match up with my procrastination nature and my often-rushed results.
This flows through my weight loss goals, as it does everything else. MY idealized version of me is one that sticks to ketogenic eating, solid, hard workouts 5-6 days a week, and doesn’t cheat. In practice, well…
This lends itself to bingeing (in a negative way of course) because when I fall off my paragonal standards, I will often throw my hands up and say “screw it, I already smelled this cake, might as well eat the whole thing”. Even non-binge-eaters can probably associate with that mentality, but in my case I’m just so extra with it. If you want to compare your indulgences to mine, here’s what I had last night (2/18/18):
- 2 4 oz homemade burgers, with mayo, pickles, onion, tomato on Texas toast
- 1 big cookie
- 1 donut
- A bunch of popcorn
- A slice of deep dish pizza
- probably 8-10 tablespoons of peanut butter
- a similar amount of Cool Whip
- some toasted wasabi seaweed (not even sure how something green and healthy got in there)
- 3 breadsticks
- 4 cheese-filled bread…balls? I don’t remember what they were called
- some candy, type and amount unrecalled
Mind you, this wasn’t all day – this was last night between maybe 8:30 and 11. I went to be feeling sick, guilty, and awful. I assure you, whatever your problems with food, mine are likely greater, and I say that not to be like “oh, I suffer more” or that I am one-upping you, dear reader. I say this because I have conquered and will conquer this bullshit again, and if my big ass can do it, you as a normal human person can do it. If you glean anything from this process I’m engaged with, let it be that you have within you the power to change your destiny. If you’re fat now, you can fully not be and it will be within your control, 100%. You just need to see where to start and have the information to progress from that point forward.
You don’t need equipment per se, nor do you need training programs. It’s literally all about information and being able to see how and where to actualize that information, something I was lacking for 25 years of my life when binge-eating and bad medicine put me at 450+ pounds. Then I learned, and I leveraged that information to a 200+ pound weight loss, and I will do it again.
You can too – learn from my mistakes if you can and watch my progress. Email me about your own progress, or post about it – I would love to see, in my lifetime, people break away from the toxic food complex that drives modern medical nightmares in the Western world. If we don’t, we’re going to live shorter lives than our grandparents, who fought through several world wars and diseases we no longer have to fear, and that would be a damn shame.
What I Did Last Week
Good stuff: I exercised a reasonable amount, but ramped it up Thursday – Sunday. I was actually able to go on and maintain a 2 mile run without having to fully stop and rest, and at ~310 pounds, I’ll take some pride in that. I also hit my step goal daily again.
Bad stuff: A tl;dr version of the above, but I binged the entire week. I drank, ate, and was largely a lethargic, procrastinating mess.
Stuff to do for week 6: Stick my exercise every day. Track everything I eat. Eat only healthy food. If I slip up, be kind to myself and don’t frustrate things further by giving up.
Calories for week 3: I cannot even begin to imagine, but I would say something to the order of 35,000 Target calories: 11,550
Exercise for week 3: Thursday 45 minutes of Pilates, Friday full body lifting routine, Saturday 2 mile run
Steps for week 3: 51,408/7 = 7,344 Target steps: 45,500 I feel good about beating the crap out of my target.
I am humbled but confident about this week and my life going forward. If nothing else, this last week has showed me that I must be constantly vigilant about triggers and allowing myself to lose control in any context.